Fear of Analyzing My Own Games

I lost a game once 4 years ago against an 1800 when I was 1450 , still I can’t believe I blew it. Still haunts me to this day. It’s normal to feel this way about chess, completely normal , damn that opportunity I missed , nevermind , have to let it go..... but still , damn it xxx it’s quite normal xxx the ones that got away , you remember xxx

@MrPushwood said in #7:
> But seriously OP, did you think that you were playing like Carlsen (immune from error)? All those "sneaky/crazy" things you missed could after all be looked upon as valuable lessons.
For me the fear usually stems from a game being way worse than I thought. For instance, I played a game against a strong 1950 in a tournament and thought I was losing the entire time. I was glad I got to play her though. When I analyzed I realized in horror that the position was +3 in my favor and I totally blew it. I still remember the game to this day. (this was around a year ago)

@Lucy2007 It sounds from what you write that you know full well that your negative feelings when confronted with mistakes you have made are irrational, but that doesn't help because you still feel them.

I don't have the same experience as you regarding chess, but I think I have experienced similar problems in my working life. My problems are/were connected to trying to be a perfectionist at work, not succeeding (of course!), and then dwelling on the mistakes I had made in the working day every time I came home and getting upset about them, losing sleep over them, feeling as if I was useless, etc.

Therapy helped me. One of the techniques my therapist used was to get me to write down all the things I had done well that day whenever I came home from work. It helped because it showed that I wasn't useless.

Whether therapy is available to you and whether you would want it if it was offered, I don't know. But that technique of looking at all the good decisions you made each time (and writing them down!) might be a start for you in any case.

So in that game against the "strong 1950 in a tournament", how about looking at how you achieved that +3 position. If it was simply her mistake that let you do that, then look at how you created a situation whereby she could make such a mistake. Try the same with other games you have played - look at the good decisions you made, write them down, and pat yourself on the back for them.

@Brian-E Thanks for the advice! Coincidentally, I just started therapy and hope it will make this better. I will try your advice of writing stuff down and see if it helps.

Zust chill man and Ultrabullet dayz and nights off! What's the point of improving if it stresses you so much? :D

@SimonBirch said in #11:
> I lost a game once 4 years ago against an 1800 when I was 1450 , still I can’t believe I blew it. Still haunts me to this day. It’s normal to feel this way about chess, completely normal , damn that opportunity I missed , nevermind , have to let it go..... but still , damn it xxx it’s quite normal xxx the ones that got away , you remember xxx

On the other hand I also remember the 1890 I beat in 9 moves it’s important to remember the great victories to balance out the losses too xxx

@MrPushwood said in #7:
> did you think that you were playing like Carlsen (immune from error)?

Actually, he blundered a 3.4 advantage against Firouzja last week...

I ́ve been playing chess just for three months but the most important lesson I ́ve got is that to become a good player you have to learn to deal with your defeats. That ́s what makes chess so great. That ́s why we ́re here. Best of luck!

@Lucy2007 said in #1:
> when I try to analyze one of my own games, I am always terrified of finding some crazy tactic I missed or a sneaky way to draw a losing endgame because then the game sticks in my brain for months or even years, and I sometimes even panic attacks while trying to analyze. I know this is my next big step to improvement, but this fear is really getting to me as a player. Does anyone relate and/or have some advice on how to handle this?

I recall there was an interview with a well known GM (I believe it was Carlsen himself) where he stated that he did not want to play a series against an engine (Stockfish) because there was no point in just getting beaten repeatedly. Engines make everyone look bad, so if you feel bad seeing a missed advantage, remember that it happens all the time to everyone at any skill level.

@Lucy2007 Even Magnus Carlsen makes many blunders on his games, the engine that analyzes the game is 3600+ ELO, it could beat any human 1000 times in a row with time odds.

Perfectionism makes you believe that making mistakes is bad and thus you have to avoid it. The thing is: If you don't make mistakes it means you aren't trying anything new!

Mistakes are actually GOOD because they help you learn. Perfectionism will make you avoid mistakes, which means avoid doing, which means quitting and not learning anymore!